There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.