I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
SCARY COSTUME
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.