My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
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Risking my life for fun.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I am yelling
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Yes
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.