Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.