Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.