Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
anyone else like Italian cereal
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?