My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO鈥橲 CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady鈥檚 coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
We’ve all been there
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 馃檨
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days馃槵馃槀
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I think I鈥檒l take the swab. Thanks though.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.