I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is