WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
drew a comic about my origin story
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.