Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND