happy mother’s day❤️
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.