babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.