Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.