Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Breaking news:
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.