The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
how to have fun when you’re poor
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I want to meet the individual who made this
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.