told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes