ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one