‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.