I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it