They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.