[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed