What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”