At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.