Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Alexa: *deep breath*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this