Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi