Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.