My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
inventing words: clothing
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN