Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!