Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Where is your GOD now????
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Mornin
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.