I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie