I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve