I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
S/o to @funTweeters .
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?