To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.