5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
best review i’ve ever seen
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.