HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
the composer
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.