The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?