They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Just me?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The human personality is made of five key elements
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.