cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
This will never not be funny to me.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*