Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?