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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.