I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.