Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.