If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.