My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Good point.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt