Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.