Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?