I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Welcome to the stomach
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.