“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Ooops wrong house😂😜
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation