Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
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Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*