I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
ready to be harvested
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.